at that time it seemed like a brilliant idea
by BirdPower
Summary: It's Dean's wedding. Ron and Seamus get very drunk and fraternise about being miserable and the talent to make dumb decisions. past!Romione, Harry/Ginny, Ron/Seamus...later: Deamus, Ron/Harry warning: non-descripitive sex, copious amounts of coarse language
1. Bloody giant pile of dragonshite

The door slammed closed behind him and suddenly he was alone. The abrupt absence of thumping music ringing in his ears, he watched fireflies dancing to the crickets' love song and breathed cool garden air with a hint elderflowers and everything was so idyllic it was making him feel sick.  
Well, it could also be the cheap whiskey that made him want to throwing up his best friend's wedding cake on one of those precious roses. Seamus Finnigan huffed a soundless "Feck it..." and sat down on the stairs of the patio, trying to ignore the burning in his throat and behind his eyes.  
He'd done a feckin' good job as a best man if he might say so. Taking care of things, being all reassuring when Dean got cold feet. He'd even stayed sober until all guests were either positively pissed or went home.  
He'd been all supporting and smiling and held the most feckin' glorious best man speech, so now he had the feckin' birth right to get pissed like feckin' Irish man he is.

It's not like Dean would miss him anyway.  
Feckin' smitten he was. No eyes for anyone but his new wife. The bloke gets a bird and his best friend doesn't matter anymore. Just 'cause it was cliché doesn't mean it didn't hurt. Seamus took another big gulp from the whiskey bottle in his hand and stubbornly blinked away the prickling in his eyes. The yellow liquid tasted like goblin piss but he was already to drunk to complain.  
staring in the summer garden he quickly dismissed the plan to go home. He's an idiot but he's not so suicidal that he would try to apparate home in this state.

There was a quiet sound behind him from the door being opened and closed and staggering steps stumbling over the wooden planks of the patio.  
Seamus doesn't need to turn around to know that it's his old school mate, Ron Weasley. If you slept in the same dorm for such a long time you know how the other boys sound and breath and walk in any state between life and death.  
"Yanno...at this shpeak now or remain silen' fo'ever bullshi', ya shoulda jus' tol' 'em tha' 'tis a bloody daft idea." Ron sounded equally intoxicated and somehow it felt good to be not the only be the only one, who felt so uncomfortable watching this whole ordeal that they had to burn out the memory with copious amounts of alcohol.  
Dean's new wife was a Muggle. He didn't tell her about being the whole him being a wizard and war hero thing. It was like a feckin' train wreck waiting to happen. Just the wedding alone was hazard to the Wizard Secrecy with so many wizards and witches attending. Just one needed to make a suspicious comment or absent-mindedly use their wand and the cover was blown.  
It's easy for Dean who'd grown up with being all inconspicuous and shite, but people like Luna or Ron literally ooze magic out of every pore. They never had so much contact to Muggles and none of them had ever been good at beeing inconspicious. Even in the Wizard world Luna was everything but insuspicious.

"Can' do tha'! Dean deserves some feckin' happiness and he likes 'er." grunted Seamus saving his bottle from being knocked over, when Ron ungracefully plopped down next to him. It was almost empty. He let the last drops roll down his throat and threw it under one of the rose bushes while Ron unscrewed a second bottle of some kind of Muggle booze.  
It tasted like cough juice and neither of them is prepared for that. They shrugged it of though. They were both too far gone to care how their drink tasted.  
An amiable silence settled between them while the bottle wandered back and forth between them. They stared in the darkness and listened to the sound faint sound of one the Muggle bride maids playing karaoke. It sounds like a belching moose.

"How's the thin' wi' 'Mione?" Seamus asked after while and a moment later he wanted to kick himself in the gut for it. The evening was already depressing enough without mentioning about Ron and Hermione's break-up.  
"Bloody giant pile of dragonshite 't is." sweared Ron and took a generous sip from the bottle.  
" 't was a fuckin' daf' idea from the star'. Only good tha' came wi' the blody marriage were the sprogs." he grumbled, draping one of his lanky arms around Seamus shoulders. Usually he doesn't like this kind of closeness with other men. it makes him feel weird. And small. Ron is a feckin' giant compared to him even more so than Dean and Dean's over a head taller than Seamus.

"Yanno, Shay..." Ron muttered bitterly stumbling over his words and clumsily slapping Seamus shoulder. "A' leas' ya can rant all you want 'bout the bird bein' no' shui'able. Tha' doesn' work when 'tis ya sis'er, yanno..."  
There a pause and if Seamus would eat dictionaries for breakfast like Hermione he'd probably call it pregnant. He doesn't though. The thing is, he'd always thought Ron Weasley was as straight as a wand. He was the last guy he'd expected to be a wizard preferring wands over cauldrons.  
"Mate..." he grumbled and took a vary big gulp of this bitter Muggle booze to wash down the information and reduce the shock. "feckin' piece 'f drag'nshite." he added and shuttered at the bitter taste and the burn of the alcohol in his throat. "Shoulda feckin' tol' me earlier! Woulda been less lonely, than bein' feckin' miserable all by meself...Yanno...back in school..."

Ron laughed. It sounded hollow and tired and older than they should be allowed to feel at their age.  
"Dunno...my family... 'm scared of wha' my Mum'd say...'Moine doesn' know 't ei'er...she thinks it's because of her bein' never at home and not caring for the sprogs or the house or anythin' except work...bloody workaholic she is, but 'tis no' that...'tis tha' she's no' a bloke and no' Harry." he mumbled before setting the bottle at his lips.  
"Why'd yeh marry 'er then?" Seamus too the bottle from his friend's hand and took a sip trying not to stare at Ron's face. It was way too late and they were too pissed for this conversation. " Dunno..." Ron shruged and started plucking daisies and blades of grass with his toes. Where did he leave his shoes and socks? "...'m a bloody idjit...at tha' time 't seemed like a good idea."  
They both laughed. It's something they could always relate on. Saying and doing stupid things and regretting it the later on is a special talent they share.

"Please, don' tell 'nyone, Shay."  
Seamus was so pissed and Ron looked so desperate and scared and feckin' sad. He had really nice freckles and golden-white eyelashes and cute lips (even though not as beautiful as Dean's) and Seamus was really good a doing dumb things when drunk and a moment later hewas snogging the hell out of Ron.  
"...'m feckin ...catholic...me Da... woul' ra'er have no son... than a feckin' nancy." he breathed between the kisses and it felt surprisingly good and he kind of lost track of his thoughts after that.

It's feckin' pitiful, but this is the night he had sex with a guy for the first time.  
Between Dean's stupid roses, both fumbling and inexperienced, pissed out of their mind and not in love at all. It's feckin' awkward and he had grass stains on his bare knees, but at least they're mates, and Ron was not a total arse about it.


	2. filling the gap

It didn't become a regular thing.  
They met a few times a week, most of the time at Ron's ruddy apartment above the shop of the Wizard Wheezes. Ron was helping his brother George with the shop, did home office work for the Auror Department and took care of his kids, Rose and Hugo.  
Seamus liked being there. He liked Ron's children and it felt good to have someone to talk about the stuff he couldn't tell anyone else, to have someone he could trust to keep his secrets. Even if Ron weren't gay, Ron wouldn't tell...that's not how Ron was. Ron's an idiot, but he's also a loyal friend.

It was comfortable in Ron's tiny apartment. Sometimes Seamus was just visiting to play with children or they sat at the scratched kitchen table doing their work, exchanging a few words from time to time. Sometimes they listened to the game in the radio and sometimes, after the kids are asleep, they had sex.  
It wasn't that there was anything romantic between them. It was just fun for them and convenient. None of them wanted to risk being found out so finding an outsider that they could trusr enough would have been difficult.  
Ron's handsome enough. Seamus didn't really care for red hair and he had enough freckles of his own, but he was tall and lean and had angles instead of soft feminine curves. Ron felt a lot better than birds ever had. It was easy too, because Seamus knew, that Ron's not that invested in him emotionally.  
Ron was so loyal and he tried so feckin' hard to not show how much he cared for Harry, that it was painful to watch. Sometimes Seamus asked himself if this is how Ron thought about him and Dean too. Seeing Dean being happy with his stupid Muggle wife is so painful that he rarely visited him.

They floated through their life, Ron's children grew older, the boyish softness melted from Ron's face and nothing significant happens. It was comfortable, but a bit bland and after a few beers Seamus sometimes thought, that he didn't deserve more than that.  
Perhaps it was God's payback because he hadn't been to a confession or church for years and had been lying to all the people he held dear. Though Seamus suspected that if there was a God, they didn't really care for tiny sins like his. If he were God he wouldn't care.  
It was fine. He was happy enough and as long as it meant to keep his friendship with Dean and the relationship with parents intact, he didn't mind being a lying bastard.  
He was fine.  
Ron was not.

He could see it every time Ron came home from the Auror Headquarter or met Harry at the Burrow. He was so feckin' jealous it was slowly rotting him from the inside. Ron came home, with hollow eyes and his lips frozen in a helpless grin. It's evenings like this, when they got way to drunk and had bad sex together that left bruises on his hips for week.  
It was ugly when Ron was meeting with Hermione. He's missing her as friend and noone can ever replace her. Seamus still doesn't get the relationship between Ron and Hermione. They were hurting each other and fought ferociously like wounded animals. Hermione was brilliant in making it sting, making it cut deep. Telling Ron how much of a failure he was with his dead-end career, living from day to day without a major plan except keeping Rose and Hugo happy.  
It wasn't one-sided though. Ron could do damage to no end with telling her how much of a bad mother she was. That she wasn't there when Hugo made his first steps or Rose learned how to read. That the one caring for them when they're sick was him and not her. He was the one who taught them how to bind their shoe laces, how brush their teeth and hold a knife. While Ron were a parent for them every day, Hermione's mothering is compressed to an afternoon once a month.  
Ron didn't tell Hermione that Seamus was there to fill the gaps. That Seamus was there to read bedtime stories, scold them and heal scraped knees. It was natural, with him being around so much and Ron and him being each other's gap fillers in such a comfortable way. It felt nice when the children smiled and cheered when he was entering the apartment. Even he didn't feel like Ron was his partner and he's not in love with him, he still felt like a parent to Hugo and Rose.  
When Ron made an important decisions for the children, he stopped asking Hermione, but he always wanted to know Seamus' opinion. It only felt natural that Seamus moved in the room that had been an unused home office...Ron prefered working at the kitchen table.  
May they weren't a couple and they weren't in love, but with Ron and his children it felt like they were a family.

It worked great when there was no one else around. They were a good team. Life was comfortable and their days went smooth and ended with beer. It was a bit uncomfortable when George was there, staring at them out of his sad eyes, like he knew what was going on. He never said something though. Probably he didn't even care.  
It was a lot more annoying when Ginny and Harry came to visit though. It was difficult to ignore that Harry's jealous. It wa like a flashback to their 4th year, with Seamus being the gap filler and Harry staring at him like he's the source of all evil, as Ron's attention was shifting away from him. As far as Seamus knew, Harry was quite happy with Ginny. He was just greedy. He wanted Ron's full attention without giving it back. He wanted Ginny to be his wife and he wanted Ron to mould his feckin' life around him and his perfect little family and the sad thing was that Ron really tried.  
Sometimes Seamus was very angry after such a visit, with Ron staring into his fifth whiskey, like it could answer why his life hurts so much.  
They didn't talk about this. Seamus knew how it was. Ron didn't need to say it loud for him to understand. It was the same after Dean's rare visits, just with reversed roles. The only thing he could do was just sitting there, try being a good mate and making sure Ron got to bed without hurting himself after he drunk himself into stupor.


	3. No happy ending for blokes like us

It was ten years after the Battle of Hogwarts and they probably shouldn't still have those horrible dreams of people dying.  
There was a memorial at the lake with loads of important people in fancy dress robes. People that were adults when children were tortured by Death Eaters, people that did _nothing_ to protect them. These people swarmed around the veterans like flies around a big pile of dragon dung. Seamus hated the way they stare at family and friends like animals in a zoo.  
Neither him nor Ron wanted to be here, but Hermione Granger's howlers can be feckin' scary and she basically forced everyone to come with the full family. Something about honouring the dead. Seamus would have preferred honouring them in a run-down pub or a their dingy apartment with copious amounts of strong alcohol. He still dreamed of Lavender's maimed corpse every second and Ron have arrived separately and Ron had his place with Harry at his left, struggling to be strong while Hermione at his right side couldn'd stop the tears from falling. They weren't fighting today. Probably because they were both too busy mourning for the dead and not breaking.

As soon as the official part's over, the guest scatter over the area in smaller groups.  
It was May. Not summer yet, but the sun was already warm and after the official part's over, the children ran around and played, while the guests tried to make meaningful conversation. A few journalists tried to tease some informations out of the veterans. They were lured to Harry like moths to a candle and it was the safest to stay away from the Weasleys and Harry, if you you didn't want to answer intrusive, disrespectful questions about how it felt to see wee little eleven-year-old getting cruciatused.  
Seamus still couldn't stop himself from being on the look-out for Ron though. They were friends after all and they spent too much time together, mourning for a life they'd never have. He couldn't just stop caring for Ron, who was keeping his distance from Harry, staying close to George instead. Seamus could see the worry in his old friend's features. It hurt to watch.  
His attention shifted when Dean entered his field of vision. He came closer, two glasses fancy sparkling wine in his hands, and passed one of the glasses to Seamus before sitting down beside him on these rattly chairs in front of the monument.  
It felt good to meet Dean without his wife for a change and Seamus couldn't keep his heart from flutterig nervously, when he noticed that his best mate smelled the same as he had since entering puberty. It was difficult to describe and so much "Dean" that he just wanted to hide in it and never smell anything else again.  
Dark eyes mustered Seamus and Dean's shoulder is touching Seamus and he looked oddly happy for such a serious occasion. Dean was as beautiful as ever. He's a bit too tall for his chair, but while it looked always like an gangly giant mantis when Ron sat down on seats to small for him, Dean still somehow managed to look confident and charming without even trying. He leaned back in his chair, relaxed arms crossed in front of a chest. Dean's lean muscles stretched his dress robes just a little but and his the legs comfortably apart. Seamus would kill for these thighs being circled around his hips.

"So, mate..." Dean sounded more unsure than Seamus was used to and while his smile was almost to bright too look at, he still talked like he needed to be careful. It was feckin' annoying to see him tiptoeing around like that.  
"How've you been the last weeks? Haven't seen you for ages..." His voice was soft and deep and every word was careful. Shay was not sick. He was fine. He was even almost happy. With his job and Ron's children he felt useful and it was nice to have someone around to drink, nag and do stupid things with. Dean had no right to talk to him like he belonged in the Janus Thickey Ward! He felt himself frowning and the tension rising in his shoulders. He felt like he needs something much stronger than just fancy sparkling wine and empties his glass in one go.

"...'m fine, Dean. Jus' don' wanna get in ya way." it sounded like a lie even for him. "Yeh know I'm dumb. I can't keep my mouth shut and ya still playing the Muggle for ya girl. That's a big feckin' part of yeh tha' yeh keep hidin' there...I've seen that with me parents and me mum at least told Da after the wedding." Yes, he sounded bitter and no, he didn't conceal it with cheeriness. It was a bum-feckin' bad day and he didn't know how fake smile anymore.  
Seamus felt bad for it the moment he said it though. Dean looked miserable. He wanted to hug him, but was scared to overstep the boundaries of "strictly platonic", so he optioned for a awkward clap on the shoulder instead. "It's ya decision, Dean...even if I don' think 'tis a smart move..." he leaned closer, tried a smile. Dean tried to mirror his expression and failed. Seamus' chest hurt from watching him.  
"I'm still ya best mate, Dean. I wan' yeh to be happy." he needed to get out of here! Needed to get his heart stop thumping like it about to leap out of his rip cage and he needed decidedly more alcohol. "...'m getting more drinks..." he mumbled hastily before fleeing with billowing dress robes.  
Seamus didn't dare to turn around and to see Dean left alone on a chair that's too small with a half-drunk glass of sparkling wine.

They had neither whiskey nor gin nor any other drink that got the job done more effectively. The young witch behind the makeshift counter was obviously not very pleased when he asked for it. She gave him a full bottle of sparkling wine though.  
On the way back to Dean, he shortly checked if the kids were okay and had a few words with Neville. His old dorm mate and him started to have more contact during their chaotic seventh year. And Seamus still liked him a lot even though they were so different in personality and interests that it was sometimes a bit difficult to find a topic to talk about. Neville told him that he was thinking about asking Hannah Abbot tomarry him, something that Seamus considered a great idea, but he's gotten a bit more careful, since a lot of the ideas he considered as great were pretty dumb in the long run. He ignored the pang in his chest when he got6 confronted again with what was normal for a wizard.  
Marrying a feckin' witch and getting a handful of children was the ideal. Living with a guy you don't even like him that way was not part of that ideal. Spending more days drunk than not and raising other people's kids was not what is see as normal. It was sinful and wrong and decreased the already small number of witches and wizards in the next generation. Seamus pushed these thoughts back down where they came from and he grined as broadly as he could manage. he congratulated Neville and opened the bottle to fill their glasses for a toast, before continuing his path.

Dean was still sitting in exact the same position as he's left him. He was so deep in thoughts, that he didn't even notice Seamus coming back and sitting down until Seamus took the glass from his hand to fill it again. "Yeh okay?" Seamus muttered silently even though he already knew he wasn't. Dean knew that he knew, but he still nodded.  
"Do you think, I should talk with Jolene about...you know... being a wizard?" he mumbled after a while looking down on these big, slender artist hands like it's their fault he couldn't be honest with his wife. "Dunno. Yeh gotta decide that for yehself. If she loves yeh, she'll love yeh the same with or without magic." Seamus wanted to believe that. His jealousy was killing him, but he wanted to believe, that for Dean it was worth to lose the closeness to his best mate. That she and her love was worth more than Seamus missing a man he could never have anyway.  
"You make it sound so easy." groaned Dean and emptied his glass. Seamus refilled and stared on the lake.

"It is feckin' easy." he hissed harsher than intended and he could feel Dean flinching beside him."If she can't love yeh any more jus' 'cause yeh've got a few more talents than painting and charming her knickers off, she's no' worth it!" Seamus tilted his glass letting the fizzy liquid pour down his throat. He couldn't stop himself from pulling a face. He'd kill for a whiskey or atleast a beer right now.  
"I love yeh, man, even though yeh're a wizard."

Oh sh...where did that come from? Merlin! He was so feckin' stupid! Couldn't keep his feckin' mouth shut to safe his life...  
There was a short silence and Dean shooting him careful side glances. It wasn't like Seamus to talk about all that mushy feeling stuff in general. It made him uncomfortable. He's bad at showing his feelings, when they're not anger and there's probably no one that knows that better than Dean. Seamus felt his ears and cheeks grow hot. He didn't want Dean to know how much of a failure he was.  
So he laughed. It's not funny at all and he really, really would like to have a stronger drink, but as long as the awkward pause faded away and his friend joined in his laughter, he wasn't completely unhappy.

"I told 'im, tha' I love 'im." Seamus said quietly that evening, when the kids are in bed and Seamus and Ron each sit above a bunch of files from work, half-drunken bottles of ale on the blank kitchen table. Ron leaned back a bit and his faded t-shirt rides up to show a freckled stomach. "What did 'e say?" he asked even though he knew the answer. There's no happy ending for blokes like them. Sometimes you could hope and you could pretend to be fine for a little while, but if you tell someone that it wasn't like that, the spell was broken and life was shitty again. "He laughed. Suppose 'e thought it's a joke or something..."  
Ron didn't answer. He doesn't need to. His thoughts were showing on his face.  
What did you expect, Finnigan!? The bloke's married, he doesn't even consider that any bloke, even less his best friend, could fall in love with him. Be happy that he didn't get it! Stuff like that can destroy friendships, you moron!  
"You're an idiot." muttered Ron after a while and he looked as miserable as Seamus felt. Seamus was weirdly thankful for having Ron with him. "let's get something stronger." he mumbled and got on his feet to search the counter over the sink for alcohol.

And if later Seamus cried while they have vodka-fueled angry sex, neither of them was willing to acknowledge it. And if Ron breathed Harry's name desperately and broken against Seamus neck while he camr, they decided to ignore it. It was a shitty, bum-feckin' ugly life, but at least they weren't alone.


	4. boom!

Neville's wedding held the record to be the most fun wedding Seamus attended up 'til now.  
It started with Neville actually asking him and George feckin' Weasley to plan fireworks fitting a marriage between a Hufflepuff and a Gryffindor (Dean also gave some imput and George seemed almost happy) and ended with him sitting between Parvati and Dean and talking about happy times at Hogwarts.  
Seamus was able to properly fake compassion when he heard that Dean had broken up with his wife, Jolene, and attended his with his week-old son Colin (Denis Creevey cried when he heard that name), who looked like Dean made a feckin' clone of himself and then bathed him in the eternal spring of ultimate cuteness.  
Wee little Colin took it upon himself to break it to his mother that he was a wizard baby by turning his teddy bear into a unicorn. She had a mental breakdown and refused to even look at her child or husband again. Dean moved into his workshop and had, judging by the way he looked, estimated not more than three hours of sleep per night. He still was in a surprisingly good mood though.

The only negative thing Seamus could think of the next morning was the major fight Ron and Hermione had at three in morning under the eyes of all remaining guests. He still wasn't completely sure what the fight was about, since he only started to notice their dispute when Ron screamed "Yeah! Kids need a mother! They don't need a woman that meets them for two hours every four weeks for a cup of tea and a discussion about their academic future! To be a parent you've gotta actually act like you care for you children! " of the top of his lungs. "Even Seamus acts more like a mum than you!"  
That was mean. Seamus stared at the ceiling and pulled the blanket a bit higher. He'd never even tried to be a mother. There are some obvious anatomical parts he lacked and he was quite happy about it, since he was quite comfortable in his current body. (Tough he would mind to be a bit taller and less freckled.) There'd been more fighting, and at some time Hermione had lost it and tried to hex Ron, which ended with Harry, who'd tried to keep his friends apart, getting hit by a Slugulus Eructo, which is one of the most disgusting things Seamus had seen in a long time.  
That was, however, reason enough for Ron lose focus on the fight and concentrate on taking care of Harry instead, by accio-ing a bucket so he wouldn't vomit more slugs on the floor and rubbing his back soothingly. Seamus heard him mumble quiet apologies and almost missed seeing Hermione grab her sleeping daughter's hand and apparating away. Things got a little bit chaotic after that.

When Seamus enters the kitchen, Ron is about to make breakfast and there's just one child at the table. It's weirdly quiet without Rose around, but Ron had been friends for too long with Hermione to get authorities involved to search her and the girl.  
"Hey Shay! I think I did something stupid again." Ron said with a wry smile, pushing a cup of tea in Seamus' hand. Seamus nodded and ruffling Hugo's candyfloss-soft hair and sat down.  
"Perhaps I should get Harry to help me talk to her though. I don't want to fight with 'Mione...she loves the sprogs, she's just...she doesn't think like normal people. She's just so focused on work and brain stuff that she doesn't notice things that happen around her...I mean she slept in a bloody tent with Harry for almost a year without noticing that he speaks Parsel in his sleep. She didn't noticed for months that Hugo started showing magic. She didn't notice her own daughter was left-handed until I told her." a sad laugh.  
It's something Seamus just started to grasp. Ron feels often overlooked. He has no self-esteem and the war or him being an Auror and co-owning one of biggest companies in the British Wizard economy can change such a integral part of his personality. Ron hated himself for it and he tried hard to make sure that his children feel like they're special, like they matter...Hermione didn't make it easier with forgetting she even had children and an ex-husband most of the time.  
"She didn't notice for years that her husband does prefer wands over cauldrons." snorted Seamus, trying to not think of little Rose waking up without her Dad around to make her breakfast and braid her hair. "Yeh should talk to her." A short nod. Ron's hair fell into his eyes. He looked like had not slept the night before  
"Perhaps I should just go. She thinks I'm a bad father, yanno. Said I'm a bloody low-life drunkard tha' doesn't deserve such beautiful children. She said I'm wasting my life, tha' I'm lazy and no' a good role model for them."  
there was a short pause. Ron set down his mug of cold tea with a hollow "thud" and stroked the honey-brown hair out of his son's eyes. "Yanno...she's probably right. Blokes like us, bloody liars and drunkards...they don't deserve to be with children! We're sick! Dangerous! The sprogs are probably already fuckin' traumatised! They need their mother an' I'm keepin' 'em away from 'er." his grin is brave and watery.  
"yeh're drunk. Yeh feckin' drama queen!" mutters Seamus. "Don't even dare to..."  
"We're playing some kind of happy family make-believe game an' it won't work! We just keep lying to ourself tha' we coul' live the happily ever after, and it'll never work. Blokes like us don' ge' a bloody happy endin'! 'm jus' hurting my children an' I'm using my family to feel useful... I'm no' needed here, Shay. Harry 'n Ginny have each other, my children are better off with 'mione...no' even George needs me here!" Ron looks like a madman with his craggy hair and deep dark circles under his eyes.  
"'m no' planning to go forever...just for a while... to clear my head and find somethin...something I can do to to be needed...something differen' than the bloody side kick...a footnote..." he interrupts himself, gently petting Hugo's head. The toddler started to cry.  
"I need your help, Seamus."

Twenty minutes later, when an explosion hit the upper floors of Diagon Alley, Seamus and Hugo sat in the park feeding ducks, while Seamus tried to breath again.  
It was Harry that found him. His face pale and skull-like and his whole body spasming in worry and fear as he was gripping Seamus by the shoulders and shaking him. "Shay! The explosion...tha' was you! Tell me wha' happened! Tell me!" He begged, he tried to bargain, he even cried a bit, but Seamus didn't know how to answer. It was like he lost all his words. He hadn't felt this numb since the morning after the battle.  
"He's gone, Harry." he finally croaked and it took him all his willpower to get these words out. Hugo sobbed in his arms again, when Harry side-alongs to the Burrow, defying all regulations that stated that interrogation had to be in the official rooms of the Auror Department.

As soon as they arrived there was a second child in Seamus' arms. Rose is screaming at the top of her lungs. Pure panic in her eyes. Seamus helplessly rocked the crying children in his arms and wobbly walked inside the house to sit down on the kitchen bench.  
Hermione was there. He was pale and quiet and scared and if Seamus had been angry at her some time for the way she treated her children and Ron, he still couldn't resent her now. He tried to smile and even sid "thank you" when Mrs. Weasley put down a cup of tea in front of him.  
He wasn't scared for Ron. Ron's an idiot, but he's not suicidal and he was a powerful Auror. There were only few people in a post-war Wizard Society that could be dangerous for him...plus they're friends, mates, they may see each other as family but they're not a couple they're mates. He knew it was something Ron has to do. That's why he helped him to cover up his traces with the explosion to make it untraceable for his colleagues.  
Ron's words are still ringing in his ears. It were words that he tried not to say to himself everyday and that were so ingrained in him it hurts. Just by being the way he was , just by being born...he he was not meant be loved by his family, friends, by God.  
He was feckin' freak of nature. He's sick. And no matter what he did, it wasn't something he could change... You could decide to not kill (what he did). You could decide to not lie (which he did a lot), but no matter how hard he tried he could not decide to be not interested in men. Even if they gave him four wives and he had a dozen biological children with them, it wouldn't make him any less gay. He supposed that that was what Ron had tried with his marriage. He tried to do what was normal in Wizard society. Marry a girl, that would never make you happy, pretend you're someone else and make your spouse believed you actually like them. Be unhappy together, because you don't deserve to be happy.

Seamus couldn't be angry for himself, but he was furious for his friend. Ron's a good bloke. He's an idiot, he drinks too much and he's liar, but he's still a good bloke, that cares for his family and tries hard to do the right thing. Ron doesn't deserve to think that he's inferior to anyone or to live with the knowledge that he doesn't deserve happiness, just because of something he can't even change.  
"What's wrong wi' yeh, 'Moine!? Suddenly yeh're worried?! Yeh don't care 'bout 'im as long as he does his job as a nanny?! Ron's ya feckin' best friend! Yeh think tha' changes jus' cause yeh're no' married any more?" he hisses and pulls the children a bit closer.  
In his heart they're more his children than Hermione's. He doesn't dare to say that though. Rose had stopped crying and tries to calm down her little brother, who's still sobbing in Seamus' shirt.  
"He cares a lo' 'bout wha' yeh think." Seamus mumbles a bit quieter and awkwardly rubbing the Hugo's back to calm him down. "An' he's a feckin' mimosa...thinks of 'imself as a complete failure...a footnote...Wha' do yeh think how he'd react when you tell 'im tha' he's no' fit to raise his children?"

Seamus sweared he could hear Mrs. Weasley mumbling something about the "silly boy" and "thought he'd grown out of that" and Hermione looked close to tears. "I didn't mean it. I just...I wanted...I was so lonely. I'm not good at that mothering thing...or being a good wife, but I love my family...I just..." she stammered and Seamus watched Harry putting a hand on her shoulder.  
"It's okay Hermione. Ron'd never leave the kids alone for too long..." it sounds more like Harry's trying to calm himself down. Seamus knew Harry since they were tiny firsties and he'd seen him in all kind of trouble and distress, since Harry seemed to have some kind of natural magnetism when it comes to trouble. He'd never seen him like this though.  
"Ron always comes back."  
One part of Seamus wants to set his bum on fire for that comment, but he looked so broken and hopeful at the same time that he felt a bit sorry for him too. Seamus never got why Ron had fallen in love with Harry. Yes, of course, Harry's a war hero, the "Chosen One" and a great friend, when he's not busy saving the world, but he's neither especially good-looking nor especially good with people. He's a midget, almost as small as Seamus, he's scrawny and he never was good with words or just paying attention to his surroundings. While Seamus liked Harry as a friend, he never got why Ron was so charmed by him, that he'd never leave him out of sight from their first day and Hogwarts.  
Now, though, Seamus starts to understand.  
Harry's trust in Ron's loyalty and friendship, his ungrounded jealousy about the friendship with Seamus and everyone else that tried to befriend Ron, is like the missing puzzle piece to Ron's insecurity and his fear of being invisible.

"I told Ron that I was thinking of my political career...that I think I can help a lot of people and he said he was proud of me. I was so happy..." whimpered Hermione. "I...got a bit carried away and asked him if I could have a photo shoot with the children for my campaign... you know they're making them of all candidates to make them seem closer to the common people...I said I was proud of my family and I'd like to show them off..." she looked down in her mug. Seamus notices from the corners of his eyes that two of Ron's armada of big brothers (he'd already forgotten half of their names...except for the twins) had entered the kitchen.  
"Which is incredibly daft for a witch as smart as you." Seamus can't help but snort. "Yeh told Ron, who's a feckin' devoted father, that yeh wanna use our babies for ya feckin' political propaganda and yeh're expectin' 'im to no' explode in ya face?"  
He looked down on the children in question. Hugo has fallen asleep and Rose was also starting to doze off. Seamus had the suspicion that she didn't sleep much the last night.

"You said 'our'..." mumbles one of the Weasley brothers, long hair, tall and around forty. This is not the look of confusion. This is the look of "What did you do to my little brother and does qualify as a reason for me to hex your bollocks off". Seamus has only seen him on a handful of occasions, but he already knows that the guy can be feckin' scary.  
"Well..." grumbled Harry sitting down beside Hermione and emptying her mug absent-mindedly. "Two adults living in a tiny apartment, raising children together...if one of them were a woman you'd not even ask and just assume." He's jealous. Harry's married since years, just impregnated Ron's sister for the third time and he feckin' jealous of Seamus and Ron's pitiful "blokes with benefits" solution.  
He knew about them and didn't even consider talking with Ron about it or supporting him...he just kept Ron being all love-struck in by his side and...  
"Sometimes, Harry Potter, yeh're a feckin' knob." Seamus said gravely staring at him. "Yeh ever thought tha' ya best mate could've used a bit of a support? Or were yeh, in secret, laughing 'bout 'im for bein' a bloody freak? For tryin' to lead a good life an' do the right thing despite thinkin' that he  
doesn' deserve to be feckin' happy?!" this is not just about Ron any more. This is about the world and their life being unfair and wizard society assuming that it was always better to marry a woman that you don't want like instead of a person you like.  
This is about him feeling alone, about children being born despite their parents not being able to give them a loving, whole family. It's about lyingto your husband or wife and make them believe you married them out of love and not because they were the most convenient option that didn't force you to leave your family.  
"Shay!" Rose' high pitched voice puts a stop to Seamus flood of words and made him look down in her displeased tiny face.  
"You must not shout! Hugo's sleeping."  
It's then that it started dawning him, that he just outed Ron in front of his family and Hermione, the people he desperately not wanted to know.


	5. least loved, always, second best

Seamus was slightly confused how anticlimactic Ron's unintentional outing was. Harry would tell him later, that he'd known they'd be okay with it, like Harry didn't care (hypothetically) for Ron having a male partner. He claimed that he was just very protective of what he considered his family...first and foremost Ron and Hermione and then his wife and children. Don't question it. There's no logical explanation.  
Seamus would call it jealousy and he started to question that Harry's protectiveness was just fuelled by more than just platonic feelings for Ron, but he kept quiet about it. Itwas Harry after all. Harry was a weird bloke.  
Harry never really thought about things just 'cause. Everyone that spend more than a few hours with him in the same room knew that. Harry was problem-orientated. He was confronted with a problem and then he tried to react. He did things because they felt right not because he really thought about them.  
He's basically the contrary of Seamus. Harry has a problem, reacted and ideally afterwards it solved and he could find a way to explain why he did something. Seamus has a problem, he over-analysed it, became depressed, got drunk or blew something up and ended up with having more problems. Harry was good at reacting on instinct and Seamus was good at blowing things up. They were both good at what they ddid, but that didn't mean that Seamus was able to understand Harry. Probably no one does except Ron...Ron was good at finding out that there will be a problem before Seamus or Harry even noticed it to react. If he deemed something important enough to remember, he wouldn't forget about it.  
Ron was a daft oaf, but he had the talent to go smoothly and undetected through his life. People often didn't even notice him next Harry until he'd done what needed to be done and a moment later he melted into the background again.  
Ron, if his temperament didn't get the best of him, thought before he acted. Ron could craft plans that worked and included Harry knee-jerk reactions or Seamus' random explosions. If plan A didn't work you could bet he already had plan B to G in the back of his mind and Seamus suspected that that's what made him a good auror and a great help for George.  
However, when Ron's emotions did get the better of him, he was utterly useless and almost better at creating havoc than Seamus. And now they did and Seamus is sittting together with a worried family in the kitchen, two overly clingy children in his arms, and waited for informations.

Seamus relearned the older brothers' names, Charlie and Bill. He learned that Bill was married to a woman that's not even fully human (her grandmother was a Veela) and it was not a problem. The second brother, Charlie didn't bother with relationships at all, may it be sexual or romantic which kept the chance of wizard offspring from his side pretty small. He said, he were too focused on protecting magical wild life in Romania to deal with another family beside the Weasleys. It was totally accept by both, his siblings and the parents.  
Seamus really didn't get why Ron had been so scared to tell them.  
Mrs. Weasley sighed and talked about the difficulty to give all your kids the same amount of attention especially amidst a war. "Of course I love every single one of them, but I'm just a human. I had to pay constant attention to Bill to not practise magic way above his level, Charlie to not bringing deadly animals into his bedroom and on the twins and Ginny to not cause general destruction... Percy and Ron were quiet and calm and had enough sense of self-preservation to keep themselves out of trouble."  
She sipped at her tea looks sadly on her hands.

"We didn't feel unloved, Mum..." says a voice from the door, making them look up. It's Percy Weasley who enters the house, wearing the most boring dress robes Seamus had ever seen. Seamus had not the best memories of third Weasley brother. While Percy did save him more then ones from getting pummelled by the older Slytherins (Seamus had been tiny, prone to uncontrolled magic and had a funny accent, all things that made him an easy target for bullies), he made him write lines afterwards and had destroyed his and Dean's plans to make the school day a bit more eintertaining more than once with just his mere presence.  
"Don't worry. Ron'll come back. Bill went to Egypt, Charlie went to Romania, I and the twins went away...We all ran away for a while and we all came back. It's only normal that Ron puts some distance between him and the family to find out for what and how he wants to live his life."

"Fuck you, Percy! And don't give me that shit-eatin' grin of yours!" rumbled the remaining twins' voice, who was coming from the living room and dusting the ash of the fireplace from his purple coat.  
"he didn't need to fuckin' blow up my business house, just because he wanted to make an exit.  
If I had a heart, I'd have fuckin' heart attack from that bang. My fuckin' remining ear is still numb. What a bloody arsehole..." George muttered under his breath. There is something raw and haunted in his eyes.  
It hits Seamus then, that when George heard the explosion going off above him, he didn't know that his little brother and his children hadn't been in the apartment. George probably thought that another brother of him just got bombed out of his life until the aurors informed him that they didn't find any charred corpses.  
"Come on, brother. You wouldn't want it any other way." snorted Percy, and the smile on his lips was so mean and so tiny that Seamus felt the Sorting Hat must have been nuts when he placed him in Gryffindor. George threw himself in one of the chairs. When he carded a hand through his hair he left black smudges on his forehead and temples. He looked at the sleeping children in Seamus' lap and visibly relaxes.  
"So..." he grumbled tiredly, stealing the mug that Harry took from Hermione before and filling it from the round teapot in the middle of the table. "Shay...willing to share with the class, why your boyfriend thought in was a good idea to blow up the whole apartment and while you're at it tell me where he is, so that I can kick his bum?"

Seamus took a moment to breath. The fact that several people noticed he was not _normal_ was terrifying.  
"We're no'...He's no' me boyfriend! We're friends. We were never a couple." he muttered and realised how ridiculous it sounded someone like Mrs Weasley that had probably been together with the same man all her life, had a bunch of kids with him and still seemed to be really in love him.  
"I love the kids, we share a life and for that I love Ron...but like a friend...like family. No' like a lover."  
George rolled his eyes. "Listen. We're a big family, there are more than enough Weasleys born to the next generation. I don't give a fuckin' dragon dung about any of my brothers' sexuality! I don't fucking care what you and Ron do or how you define your...relationship. I just want to know where he is, so that I can yell at him for blowing up the rooms above my shop! So would you please tell me where he is?!"


	6. freckles

They decided that the children would stay at the Burrow, which was good, since Seamus didn't know where he should sleep that night. Dean would have been his first choice, but he was living in his one-room workshop with a newborn baby and Seamus knew there was only one couch there. Though Dean would give him the couch without a fail, it didn't seem like he should be there right now. He didn't want to ask Neville, because he just got married, and Luna was on an expedition with her boyfriend somewhere in Borneo. He couldn't stay with Harry, because that guy was going nuts and his wife was feckin' terrifying when Ron wasn't around. He was all focused and gloomy and lashed out on anyone who even thinks of making a joke and his wife was pregnant and missing her favourite brother, had obviously strong morning sickness and hexed people if they breath to loud ...including her sons. Ginny Weasley had always been very stunning and even more terrifying than Harry Potter staring at you like he's mental, because there was no Ron around to smooth the edges.  
Running out of options that didn't feel like he was intruding or end up in life-threatening situations, he apparated to the home of his parents. His mother was happy enough to have him back and dished out some dinner and reproaches, like every Ma would. His Da and him never got along well...he was never manly enough for him. Da wants his son be like this tall bloke down the street, that would work as a mechanic and go drink at the bar and had another bird every second night. But what he got was a tiny,freckled wizard that fakes gas explosion to hide magical incidents...well and somewhere around 3 in the morning, when Da asked him why he was living with a bloke and two little kids instead of a bird, he had enough.  
Enough catastrophes, enough of feeling guilty and enough cheap whiskey to be tipsy enough to do something dumb. Plus it seemed fair...like something to lighten his guilt that he involuntarily outed Ron.

Long story short, he told his Da that he didn't want to be with a bird 'cause he was into blokes, they had a row loud enough to wake his Mum up, who had a crying fit, after her husband told her that he she shouldn't expect any grandchildren, which lead Seamus, bruised and holding a piece of clothing against his bleeding nose in front of the door of Deans workshop.  
Deans eyes are soft and he smiled like finding his battered best mate at his door was best thing he could wish for at three in the morning. He pulled his friend inside and before they even exchanged greetings, Seamus was sitting on a paint-spotted couch with a mug of tea in his hands and Dean with a first-aid kit in his lap beside him.  
While Dean put Weasley's Bruise Remover on the colourful haematoma around his eye and nose, a yellow ointment that looked a lot like earwax, Seamus let his gaze wander around the studio. There are canvases and half finished pictures littered over the whole room. Paint brushes in all shapes and sizes were stored in empty gherkin glasses, sponges and ripped pieces of cloth are thrown everywhere in the room and Seamus is again reminded of the fact that Dean is able turn surroundings in a status of homely chaos within the shortest amount of time.  
In one corner, close to the window, there was a portable crib with a self-made paper mobile with tiny unicorns and dragons, that hum Muggle lullaby. It's like Dean to make his child something like that. The way he gave so much of himself instead of buying things was one reason Seamus loves him so much. Seamus couldn't help but smile, even though he still felt kind of awful. He loved his parents and he hated to disappoint them.

"What happened? Did Ron do that?" asked Dean fitting the volume of his voice to the proximity and Seamus tries not to lean in when he feels his breath prickle on his skin.  
They sit so close together and the way Dean's long finger gently rub in the ointment feels like coming home after such a long day of explosions and fighting and crying children and hippogriff rides of emotions.  
"He didn't. 'T was me Mum." and in the impulse to rip off the band-aid in one go, he added "I told me parents that I'm gay. Yeh know we're pretty Catholic an' I am the only son, with me not becoming a father the line of me Mum's family will die ...She wasn't very happy about it."  
Dean's lips pucker in a sigh. He takes unusually long to spread a bit of salve in Seamus's face."Well...As a good friend of me once said...If they can't love you any more, just 'cause you've got a few more talents than blowing things up for the greater good, they're not worth it!"  
He really wanted to kiss Dean right then. "Yeh're no' surprised." he muttered instead, trying to ignore that Dean had still his hands on his face and he was pretty sure there's no ointment left there to be rubbed in." 'f course not. I saw you snogging Ron in my wedding night." Dean grumbled and shuddered slightly, like he's trying to shake off a bad memory.

Seamus' cheeks burned in shame. He mumbled an automatic "Sorry." and tried to bring some distance between them, but Dean grip it face and and kept him from breaking the eye contact.  
"You're still my best friend, Shay. I felt betrayed back then, because you didn't tell me, but it's not like I had a right to know that. I was jealous, 'cause you told Ron and not me and..." Dean's eyes are a bit too watery, he turned his head away from Seamus and finally let go of his face."I was angry at myself, that I obviously didn't make it clear enough that I don't care that...I don't mind if you like blokes, okay?"  
Seamus took the first-aid kit from Dean's lap, put it on the paint-splattered coffee table and affectionately nudges against his shoulder. That Dean was still his friend even though he knew about it, felt like the first bite of chocolate after meeting a whole train full of dementors. He wasn't alone. Dean was still with him.  
"It's not, that I didn't trust yeh, Dean. I was just scared, that you wouldn't want to be me friend any more, when yeh find out, what a freak I am."

"Me too." muttered Dean, so quiet that Seamus for a moment thought he'd imagined it.  
"uh..." he croaked.  
"What?"

"Well...you know... I've always been...different. I mean I'm the only black person in my all-white family, which made a lot of people make fun of me and my Mum...generally me being black..." Dean rolled his exasperated.  
"Yeah...I know that skin colour is not important in Hogwarts, but in my Muggle school it was a bloody big deal. In the whole school there were only two other kids that were black...and I got asked if we were related all the time. "

Dean looked down on his hands. There are yellow and green blotches of oil paint on the dark skin and some blue colour, perhaps ink, under his fingernails. It looks oddly artful for paint-stained hands and Seamus didn't get how anyone could get the idea that Dean's looks were something to make fun of.  
Dean ws tall and blessed with a body that was naturally graceful. Like a dancer, slim but muscular, with legs like a model, hands like magic and skin just perfect to be kissed. There was nothing gangly about him, all gentle lines and brave angles. Any person who'd find something less than perfect in the way Dean looks, was either drunk, blind or both.  
"They must have been mental, if they found anything wrong in the way yeh look." Seamus grumbled fiercely and tried to hide his flushed cheeks behind his tea mug.  
Dean smiled softly and Seamus thought they should have started having heart-to-heart talks before, when it makes Dean smile like that.  
"Stop the sweet talk, mate. You don't need to charm me." His friend rumbled gruffly, but it was worth the slightly red tinge on Dean's ears and the way his eyelashes hide his dark eyes shyly. It was a bit embarrassing, and Seamus was sure that he blushing as well. Perhaps he can blame it on the whiskey he had early on the evening. Looking back it was a wonder he didn't splinch himself.

"You know me. I'm quiet and I like drawing and painting." continues Dean ans Seamus wills his concentration back on the conversation.  
"Drawing, being a bit shy... that were things that were considered "girly" and that was bad according to the kids in my school. "Even in my football team, with all the kids that shared my hobby, I still just was the odd, black kid. And then there were my magical incidents, that neither I nor my mother nor anyone else understood...We were terrified. I can understand why Jolene lost it when the baby summoned a fuckin' unicorn in his nursery. I mean he's not even able to lift his own head, but he can summon a living unicorn!Even for a wizard child this is not what I signed up for!"  
Dean was laughing, but it didn't sound not happy. More tired and a little bit scared.  
Caring for a baby is scary enough when you never had to before. Caring for a wizard baby is that, plus unicorns and random outbursts of wild magic. Ron's children were actually pretty harmless for magical children. Like a lot of children the did the "blinking", where they basically apparate for a short distance. beside that they were relatively easy for wizard children. A lot of children show already tendency for a certain magical talents...Seamus knows of himself accidentally burning his nursery down, when he was a toddler and Wee little Colin perhaps would have a special talent for summoning charms one day in the far future.  
Seamus never seriously had thought how it was for a Muggle parent that didn't know what to expect, when their child showed as a witch or wizard. It would explain though, why so many muggleborn children were so apologetic when it came to using magic in Hogwarts. They were probably used to hiding it and being scared. Perhaps their families even shunned them for making things happen, that they didn't understand.

Colin started to cry and Dean came to his feet. Seamus watched him prepare a bottle with one hand while balancing the week-old baby with the other. He waited until Dean settled down on the couch again and ready to feed his child and regather the threads of his unfinished story.  
"Hogwarts was like a dream. I was in a room with children that were as weird as I am. If everyone is weird, then no one is. My skin colour didn't even matter and my talents were something I got praised for and since I had you with me, people often didn't even notice that I was quiet. I was so happy to learn that everything that people thought was weird about me, was perfectly normal for a wizard child."  
He made a pause to hum a little melody for the baby, to calm little Colin down enough to drink. "Trick of my Stepdad. He says babies like calm male voices, since they mean protection and safety. My sisters always wanted to be fed by him." he explained with a smile.  
Seamus leaned a bit closer with the excuse to look at the baby. Babies smelled so good and mixed with Dean's own smell, soap and faint oil colours, itwas like a drug. He was probably grinning like an idiot.

"You and the boys in the dorm were my first friends, I was scared that things would get awkward or you wouldn't want to sleep and change in the same room with me any more, when I'd tell you that I also like blokes...especially since I definitively were checking the other boys out and thought about if I liked the way they looked or not. I mean... I was a horny teenager and I always liked watching people and drawing them..." Dean got quieter at the end of his rambling.  
"Yeh like blokes."  
"Well..." Dean still made an effort to look not at Seamus while talking and it was starting to bother him. This was a pretty big deal after all.  
"I like both. Blokes and girls. I..." Dean graced him with a careful side glance. " I really love Jolene. She's sweet and funny and has a good heart...but I guess I already lost her when I couldn't tell her that I'm a wizard." Seamus felt himself nod numbly. Well...it wasn't that them both liking blokes would change anything about who they are... Dean still loved his wife and Seamus was still hopelessly, secretly, madly in love with Dean.  
"Perhaps she just needs time. You could wait a few days and then try to talk to her calmly." he heard himself say quietly and then added forcefully chipper "So you rated the blokes in the dorm? Who's your number one when it comes to looks?"  
Dean laughed. Little Colin had finished drinking. His father put him over his shoulder to make him burp and the baby leaft stains of milk on Dean's black t-shirt.  
"Neville probably. He's got a nice, very classical face, now that he's all grown up. Great smile. Harry is pretty small, but he's great for drawing studies. He's so thin you can see all muscles and he's got interesting eyes. Ron has nice hands, they're bigger than mine even though I'm taller than him. His fingers are also really long and slim. Like pianist hands. It's so sad that he's missing fingernails since the war... Plus he has freckles. I like freckles." Dean finally looked at him and grinned sheepishly. "I don't think I have favourite."  
For a moment Seamus wanted to ask, why Dean didn't mention him, but he couldn't bring himself. Best mates are special...Ron once said, that thinking of Harry in that way had been difficult to accept because they were so close that it almost felt like incest...perhaps Dean thought similar and that's why he put him out of the consideration from the very beginning.  
They grow quiet and after a while Dean puts the baby bed in the portable crib and tiptoes back to the couch. The clock above the fridge says it's close to five in the morning. They fall asleep, sitting on the couch, both too exhausted to complain about their stiff neck muscles.  
The last thought in Seamus thought before drifting off, was _Dean likes freckles!  
_ "I've got a lo' of freckles." he mumbles to himself, his head dangling over the armrest of the couch.


End file.
